Fern's Top Ten Ways to Get a Job as a Staffer (Mortal) at Karinth

This should really be titled: "Top Ten Ways NOT to Get a Job as a Staffer (Immortal) at Karinth.

Any of the following will ensure results, some more rapid than others. These points are based on actual incidents, by the way, and all names have been changed to Bob, to protect the not-so-innocent. Please note: Not one single applicant or candidate was really named Bob. Some of the Bobs have been male; some have been female. We're an equal-opportunity adventure.


10 - 1337speak
Nothing endears a person less to my heart than Bob's inability to use the language of the realm in clear, concise terms. Phrases like 'r u hiring' just tweak my innards. If a person can't spare the digital energy to type out a full word, how will they possibly invest the time and effort required to write a full area of rooms, mobiles, objects, programs, extra descriptions and the like? Did Bob, our eager applicant, show up to the interview via a cellphone with a thumb-typed keyboard? Bob should have scheduled a discussion for a later time, after explaining that he's communications-impaired.


9 - Instant Staffer - Just Add MUD
Even less of a thrill is when Bob applies for a staff position two minutes after creating their first character on the game. Bob sees the first room of the game after the introduction, decides he would like to build at our place, sends a tell-message to every visible staffer that he wants to build. Bob then becomes incensed when he is told, as politely as possible, that he needs exposure to the game itself before applying.

Irate at not being hired instantly, Bob flames the staffers. public channels, and not a few forums and review sites, announcing to all who will listen that 'those a**h*** immortals at Legends of Kirenth don't know what they're missing by not hiring me!' Well... we missed hiring someone who can't spell the name of our game...


8- The Expert Hath Arrived
Bob creates a character for the first time, goes through the introduction, steps out of the first room, and within nanoseconds knows everything there is to know about the game. Bob begins firing off messages to all visible staffers, delineating exactly what the downfalls of the game are and what MUST happen for it to improve.

When Bob's expertise is not adequately acknowledged in private conversation, he takes the conversation to the public ear, usually the OOC (out-of-character) channel, and lets everyone in the game know exactly what the downfalls of the game are and what must happen for it to improve. Laser guns are sometimes involved. (Legends of Karinth figures its timeframe in high medieval Earth years.) Bob also often makes the suggestion that Legends of Karinth needs a big wilderness map. (Legends of Karinth has a 6-million room wilderness map - how big must it be to be big enough?)

The key phrase is: 'What you guys REALLY need to do is ..." Use that within the first few hours of arrival, and marvel at the speed at which the possibility of a staff position vanishes.


7 - The Instant Best Friend
Bob creates a character for the first time, etc etc etc (you know the drill by now). Bob then begins chatting up the implementor like an old pal. (Nine times out of 10,000, perhaps the implementor has seen Bob's name on a game forum someplace; the other 9,991 times, Bob is a total stranger.) Bob then gets offended when a staff position is not offered based on the obvious weight of his friendship, and leaves amidst mutters and a flurry of smiley-face emoticons. "I'll be back later and we'll talk about this when you're not so busy! :) :) :)" Bob vanishes, never to be seen again.

The next time we hear of Bob is when our friendly neighborhood implementor next door is checking out Bob's list of references, upon which he has lovingly tacked my name, as obviously I am such a good friend.


6 - The I'll Do ANYTHING! Over-Promiser
Somehow Bob gets an interview going with a staffer. Let's say Bob has spent the time to learn the game a bit, has achieved about five levels, so he's zooming around the starting house, slaughtering mosquitos with ease. This time Bob is smart enough not to declare himself the best friend, expert, instant staffer - and he's using a real keyboard instead of his Nok-rizo-torola to log in and chat. The interview proceeds; Bob seems like he does have a good deal of potential as a staffer.

But when it comes time to find out just what he wants to do, Bob waffles. He'll do it all. He's willing to build cities and villages and dungeons, mitigate player problems, design and host world quests, proofread documentation, maintain the website, write the Herbals module in C, redesign the information base, market the webstores, promote the game to link sites, fix the problem with the action code, rebuild the engine in my Ford Bronco, and clean out the cat box. And that's just for starters. Oh, and if there's anything else that needs done, Bob's the man. Nailing this guy down to a single department or function is as easy as getting my neighbor's pet goldfish to sing in HMS Pinafore at Carnegie Hall next week.


5 - Plagiarism is the Sincerest Form of Flattery
Bob makes it up a few levels and is in an interview with a staffer. Bob's impressed with things so far, so when he's asked to submit a sample of his own original writing, he rushes to the task. Bob makes a rather silly mistake and copies a room from another game he used to play. What Bob fails to realize is that this room was written by the staffer he's interviewing with. Bob looks like an idiot, and remains a non-staffer. Upstairs, smatterings of laughter float through the office suites.


4 - Plagiarism + Stupidity = ?
Bob's in a real rush to get this staffer position going, and decides to copy something even sillier - a room from Midgaard complete with typos. Bob looks like a complete idiot, and remains a non-staffer. Upstairs, no laughter. The staffers just look on in awe, unable to believe that Bob would think that would fly.

For non-gamers, this is the default starting city provided with the stock package, and is sometimes used without modification. Just about anyone who's ever played a MUD has seen Midgaard at some point in their gaming career.


3 - The Social Flutterby
Bob has made a few levels, gotten an appointment with a staffer, and has his ducks in a row, with a set of rooms he's prepared to show his stuff and a set of world quest ideas fleshed out and put into an email for the staff to read ahead of time. He's really done his homework, and there for awhile it looks like Bob could be a seriously great addition to the staff. Only one small problem: Bob can't shut up long enough to get the good news.

Bob's got a major case of motor-mouth. Even though he managed to contain it during a portion of the interview, he's got the throttle stuck full open. Everything that's crossing his brain is coming out through his fingers, and he's talking like there's no tomorrow. He sidetracks interview topics with a chain of personal anecdotes. He carries on about the similarities of his gaming experience and his school experience. He talks, and talks, and talks. And talks. The staffers look at each other and shrug, then apply the red rejection stamp to his application. Easy enough to know what will happen if he comes on board. He'll talk, and talk, and talk. And talk. The sad thing is that Bob probably thinks he's being quite affiliative. But the truth remains: When Bob's around, work skids to a halt.


2 - Promise Me Anything
... but at least give me your attention. Bob gets onboard as a staffer somehow and starts building the Halls of Holloweigh beneath the Muran Range. (Obviously a different Bob.. the other ones are off trying to pull the wool over someone else's eyes). He claims he's writing it out on paper first (which is a fine idea). His assigned area file sits empty for weeks, which become months, which becomes a year. Bob has spent a lot of time on his project (he says), but in the space of time most builders could produce three or four good-sized areas, he's submitted nothing visible. Bob gets highly incensed when asked when output will be forthcoming. One day, Bob just fades away, off to the next place.

Bob reminds me of another Bob who worked with me some years ago, at a different place. He was a super communicator... great vocabulary, exceptional at producing visualization. Sadly, he never wrote a single room for the game that could have been seen by players. That Bob. as it turned out, had a severe case of being spread too thin. He was producing areas for three other games at the same time. Since ours had no set deadlines, ours was the one that got pushed to the back burner.


And the Number One All-Time Way to not apply for a job as a staffer:

1 - - Fabricate, Prevaricate, Obfuscate... or Just Flat Lie
Bob's game-pertinent curriculum vitae is impressive. He's built at a dozen places (mostly shut down - server costs, poor management, lack of playerbase); he's administered at a half-dozen more (mostly shut down, of course); he's even run several games all on his own (mostly shut down, of course). He's got enough experience that it's a surprise Sony hasn't picked him up for a senior spot in one of their game development operations.

Bob has nineteen years of experience in the online MUD industry, and has worked on DIKU and ROM games since 1987. (DIKU, from which ROM is derived, was released in 1991). The addition of Bob to the staff would be a definite feather in the cap for the game - he brings so much to the team!

There's just a couple of small problems though... Bob told someone on staff (not someone in the interview with him) that he might have to cut the interview short, since he was going for a driver's test. Bob just turned sixteen years old last week, he tells this other staffer.. and obviously staffers never talk to each other... We think maybe Bob flunked his last math exam or has significant short-term memory problems... or some significant short-term truth problems. Bob remains a non-staffer. Upstairs, folks are getting back to work and wondering why Bob wasted their time.


There you have it, folks. That's ten great ways to ensure that a staff position remains firmly out of reach!